


Two Unwise Men

by TheTimelessChild0



Category: Messiah (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Desperation, Friendship, Urination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:14:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22269244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTimelessChild0/pseuds/TheTimelessChild0
Summary: The Bible has choices. Al-Masih wishes he didn't make this one.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Two Unwise Men

The Book is incomplete. Not just the Bible, but the Tora and Quran too. Every book circles in on him and God. 

Al-Masih tried his hardest to surpass the sensation. It was supposed to be purely voluntary. Unfortunately, dehydration had other plans. That was the price of being the Messiah. He was special, with certain gifts. 

He only showed a few, all of them at preset times, as decided by God and accepted by him. 

Or, at least that’s what he believed.

* * *

It was a bad idea. He knew it was a bad idea. But Aviram was not a man who cared about anything. One thing he did care about was his daughter. Each moment he left, equalled considerably longer time forced away from her, by her mother. So, when Zev called him in to check on his prisoner, he decided _not_ to call Ellie’s mother. He wasn’t sure why he did this. Maybe all those years in the field of dead bodies, explosions and counter-intelligence gave him a picture of his job as child-friendly, maybe a tiny piece of him wondered if Jesus, the barn bastard of Bethlehem, really was inside that dark cell. Either way, there was no harm in showing Ellie a terrorist that would never be able to shoot her  _ Aba _ . 

He entered the prison, to find Alon arguing loudly with the guard. 

“Hey, idiot. What did he do now? Don’t tell me he scared you too, we don’t have time for that” he chastised his partner. 

“No, Avi. The cameras are malfunctioning and this numbskull’s denying it,” Alon explained.

“Don’t be lazy, call it in,” Avi barked at the guard. 

“They’re not malfunctioning! I have every minute recorded. I checked, no overlay,” the guard insisted.

“How do  _ you  _ know they’re broken?” Aviram asked. 

Alon picked up a folder containing screenshots of Al-Masih in his cell. 

  
“15 hours. Only thing he’s moved is his arms,” Alon stated, sceptically. 

Aviram led his partner to the room where the security footage is shown. He sat down by the computer, and played a sequence of 10 hours of footage sped up. Not a single flash of the man getting up and down again. 

“You called the boss because he’s good at holding his piss?” Avi snorted derisively. 

“Keep watching,” Alon recommended. 

The remaining 5 hours of the recorded tape showed the same. Not even a twist of the lip in agony. 

There was not a single shuffle to be seen on the live screen either. Al-Masih seemed, content. 

“That’s not possible,” Avi remarked, leaning on the wall in the corner. 

“I know. That’s why there must be a glitch,” Alon proclaimed. 

“No.” was his only response. 

  
“I know glitches. Some led to people dying, some to people living. Wimp out there’s not lying. There’s no overlay. No blurriness, no frame blinking, nothing,” Avi explained. 

“Then how did he..” Alon protested. “Same way Ellie does every Saturday. Same thing he did in the desert yesterday. He just  _ went _ ,” Aviram reminded him.

“That’s not a new robe he’s wearing. It’s the same he wore when we arrested him. Guard says no one came to see him, besides us,” 

“And the guard wouldn’t lie. His job’s not worth one aspiring shaman,” Avi agreed. 

  
“What do we tell the boss?” Alon asked after a bit of silence.

“That, as far as his best man is concerned, we’ve had the luck of bagging a man without a bladder,” Aviram muttered, storming out of the room. 

“Who did you catch, daddy?” Ellie asked, playing with her still buckled seatbelt.

  
“Jesus Christ. Jesus fucking Christ,” he shook his head, as he slammed the car door. 

* * *

When he had made the decision, he hadn’t looked around properly yet. He saw flowers, heard goats, and assumed that the desert wouldn’t be too big. Even the one in Texas had a tornado  _ shuttle _ of sorts. It was rather unfair, that his father spoke through fire when it suited him. 

Especially now that he could  _ really _ use a  _ burning bush _ . 

The true story behind that was supposed to be secret, but it was too late for that. His father was apparently too busy with wiping out America to help his emissary. 

“Why Algeria?” Avi questioned, shaking sand out of the sandals the shepherd boy loaned him. 

“God works in mysterious ways,” Al-Masih said dryly. 

“And quickly. It’s become a tradition, Jews missing the chance to make amends,” Avi quipped.

  
“Speak for yourself,” he smirked. 

“Do you think we would have crashed if I hadn’t hogged all the water bottles?” Aviram pondered.

“There is no use in speculation over past events. You should put your focus on the present, as you’ve proven so talented at,” Al-Masih preached, angrily. 

  
“What’s with you? What happened to ‘here’s a resurrection, you should fetch the water bottles, it is hot outside’?” Avi noted, amusedly. 

“My father just tried to kill you after confessing to him, knocked out a teenage girl for representing me, and is currently trying to sink the United States, shall I recite the 21st century?” Al-Masih snarked, scratching his heel to disguise a quick cross of his legs. 

“No need, the bible told me enough of the beginning,” Avi apologised. 

‘ _Wow, someone’s got crucifixion issues_ ’, Avi though to himself having spotted Al-Masih’s stance. 

*********

They had been walking for a bit when Aviram noticed the Prophet next to him was walking slower. He was also looking around, despite the silence. Both had reasons for having sensitive ears, so what God was whispering to him, he did not know. 

Al-Masih was hunched over, using the wind as an excuse. When the wind stopped, Avi peered at him. 

Like a cat caught with a block of cheese, the younger, or much older man removed his hands from his pockets, making a fist with both hands. 

  
Avi coughed to cover a quiet chuckle. He had been mistaken. 

They came across a large burning bush. It was more of a burning pile of branches, but a botanist could still call it a bush. 

Avi took out his water bottle, and started spraying off the flames. The rocks on either side of it blocked their path, and they couldn’t keep walking straight ahead. A path was their salvation. 

His anyway, for his friend it was the bush alone. 

“Did you take any water while I was RIP Van Winkle?” Avi pointed at his empty bottle. 

“No. I drank it all. Left the trash behind the wing of the plane,” Al-Masih hopped in place at the reminder. 

“Well, conjure up a flood then,” he suggested, half-seriously. 

“I can walk on water, not summon it. But I can summon something similar,” Al-Masih stated, walking over to the flames in front of Aviram. 

He unzipped his fly, and began peeing on the flames. It took several minutes, and an impressive performance of walking backwards while going steadily, but the bush got extinguished. Then, after a few seconds, Al-Masih was  _ relieved. _

He turned around to find the agent  _ almost _ pissing himself with laughter. 

“What? Did the plane crash not sufficiently amuse you?” he asked Avi, sarcastically. 

“If you had to  _ go,  _ you could’ve just said, and handled it there and then. Didn’t have to pray for  _ that _ ,” Avi commented. 

“There is no King, President or Disciple that can make me comfortable with peeing in front of another man. It only when Nature calls that I answer,” Al-Masih scoffed. 

“Or leave it on voicemail. Or did you seriously expect me not to notice where you kept your hands a minute ago?” 

“You’ve drunk as well. Take care where you keep your stomach; it is very tempting to my fist,” 

“Okay, I’m sorry. Just answer one question. How did you hold a firehose worth of pee while in prison? It seemed like you didn’t pee at all,” Aviram questioned. 

“Urination is a hobby. It gives me time to myself, and makes me feel part of you. I can choose not to take part in it for a great deal longer than you saw. I made an error. I expected civilisation and hence a public restroom close to the plane. So, I prepared my bladder. It would be a nice contrast to the fire. Fire on the plane, water in the desert. Except the desert was indeed a desert,” Al-Masih explained. 

“Humanity makes mistakes much stupider than yours on a daily basis. And they don’t have bushes on-demand,” Aviram assured him. 

  
“Neither do I. God is a hopeless romantic. Two Jews in a desert. It’s the story of my birth all over again,” Al-Masih clarified.

“So not from ashes to ashes, but from pee to pee,” 

“To pee or not to pee that is the question. The answer is a bush,” Al-Masih joked. 

“When isn’t it, around here?” 

AMEN.

**Author's Note:**

> Aba= _father_ in Hebrew.


End file.
